Dear ACUs

As I struggle to do laundary tonight and pluck OD green socks stuck to my uniforms from a seemingly endless array of velcro. I am reminded of a letter I read in the Army Times a little while back. I should send this to Obama.

Dear ACUs,

We’ve been together for almost two years now, and in that time, you have brought me nothing but grief. Why do you hate me?

I turn you inside out when I wash you. I’ve never used optical brighteners. I hang you with your collars up. And I try to keep your Velcro flat.

But you treat me so badly, despite all the good things I do for you. Why?

You fade, noticeably, after three washes. Your seams come apart.

After two months, you’re visible for over 800 meters in all conditions. Your Velcro wears out too quickly, you stain so easily and you look like something out of a bad sci-fi movie.

Do I deserve to get treated like this?

BDU and DCU treated me so much better. Even when I was seeing both of them (at the same time, and they both knew it) they still loved me.

When I was in Iraq, BDU waited for me, and DCU kept me safe.

Neither of them ever faded on me, and despite the fact that DCU’s complexion is much fairer than yours, stains always washed out — even that time when I tried to check the oil on a running generator.

I was heartbroken when they were taken from me.

I expected you to be as good to me as they were, but you’ve been terrible to me.

And you wonder why I say such terrible things about you. You wonder why I call you names like “Confederate Starship Trooper Uniform.”

I would like to divorce you, but I can’t. My Uncle Sam says that he’ll cut me out of his will if I do, and I can’t afford to disappoint him — not just because of the inheritance, but because I love the American family.

I wish they saw you the way I do — the side you only show, when it’s just us. Then maybe they’d support me more.

I’m scared that one of these days you’re going to get me killed because you refuse to protect me. You’re completely unable to camouflage me, and that’s dangerous.

This is a hollow marriage, and I will never be happy with you. I hope you can live with that.

Spc. Jarod R. DePastene

Fort Sill, Okla.

From the Army Times Dec 2008

You know the Marines started this and I have to admit they have badass uniforms and (gasp) two different patterns! What an idea! The Air Force has some pretty cool Vietnam-looking tiger stripes with (gasp) sew on patches. Someone is getting rich selling this garbage to the Army and only the soldiers pay the price by not being protected, having to buy new ones when they rip and fade too soon, and the general psycological weariness of looking like shit all the time. They remind me of pajamas, they stick to my buddy, themselves and worst of all the screens of the MKT. (@#%^!) They rip, they are noisey (you try being quiet and opening the pockets), the velcro wears out too fast, they fade quickly; the list is endless. The Army keeps telling me that they are good trying to make me feel better but no one beleives what they say. They say it saves me money all that velcro because I don't have to sew patches on. Like my rank or unit changes that often; never mind my name is velcro, really? They say wash and wear, saves time and money cleaning. But guess what? All the idiots in my unit get them cleaned, so I'm the one that looks out of place. The skill badges are pin on. Really pin on? Good idea except when I have to take the M-Fers off and place them on the next day's uniform. I hope before this is over they change their minds but probably not.